RECOVER TO UNCOVER - Eating Disorder

My advice in Anorexia Recovery - Youtube Video

Sun, 17 Apr 2016 09:50:00 +0000

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMdv30UlLN8

The kindness in the mental hospital

Sun, 10 Apr 2016 20:39:00 +0000

The stereotypes of the mental hospital rushed through my head when I heard the words "You are detained under section 2 of the mental health act." I thought the mental hospital was full of crazy people who were all abusive, thought they were aliens and who were scary etc etc. So there was no way I was going to a mental hospital when I only had a fear of food and had to recover from anorexia. I was no actually one of those "scary" people in the mental hospital.

I arrive at Huntercombe Hospital, shaking worrying I might get something chucked at me. I enter and there are 17 girls aged between 12-17 and they are all welcoming. We sit down in community group and I get introduced to them all. I start worrying that maybe all this is an act and there is no such thing as people calmly painting canvases to decorate the walls and playing mario cart on the wii. During my first evening in the mental hospital I was sat crying down the phone to my parents and a patient comes and hugs me. I never thought a patient in a mental hospital would be kind enough to hug me. From that moment I knew that maybe the mental hospital was not filled with the crazy people which has derived from all the stereotypes.

I spent 4 months at the mental hospital and everyday I received immense kindness and support from all the "mentally ill crazy people." I was placed on the eating disorders unit to recover from anorexia, however I did often have social interaction with the generalised mental health unit in the hospital too. I never thought I would be able to make friends with people in the hospital, however to date they are some of my closest friends. We all have a group chat on instagram where we all talk about how well we are doing and that there is life outside the hospital. I also never thought I would be arranging sleepovers and meeting up with the crazy people but that is happening too. I have received handwritten letters under my hospital bedroom doorstep from the "mental patients" who have self harm scars all up their arms and across their legs, I have received so much love and positivity quotes from people who cannot feed themselves. I have laughed and had dance parties with people who like me are sectioned under the mental health act because they cannot take care of themselves. I have gone on outings with people who have to take mediation so their mental health conditions do not interfere with their levels of coping. I have had people write messages on the mirror including the words "your beautiful" "you have the most amazing body" from the people who cannot even think that those words associated with themselves in anyway. I have had the most beautiful happiest conversations with the people who saw people who weren't there to others.

I learnt a lot from the mental hospital. I learnt more than how to recover from anorexia, I learnt that mentally ill people care so much for others, I had people stay up with me to help me stop crying about how much I missed my family, I had other patients tutor me in my studies when i was too sad to even open a textbook, I had patients crochet me a blanket and hold my hand and wipe my tears through meals times. I met the most amazing people in the mental hospital. People with mental health conditions are not scary, they are in fact the kindest people I know. And that is one thing I wish I knew about people who suffer from mental health disorders.

To my beautiful Kennet girlies, I love you so much thank you so much for helping me in my stages of recovery that I had to complete in kennet. I will be forever grateful. I love you so much. Keep fighting, stay positive.

Rosie

I never thought it would be my best friend who places me into a mental hospital detained under the mental health act - Anorexia Recovery

Sun, 10 Apr 2016 20:02:00 +0000

Dear Anorexia,

We've been best friends since we were 8 years old, you have been helping me, loving me, caring for me when nobody else could. We've been through incredibly tough situations together and I'm so happy you've guided me through the darkness and inspired me to carry on even when my world was tumbling around me, I will always be thankful for that.

I remember the time when someone suspected you, it was the dinner lady when I was just 11 years old. She told my mum that I was "refusing cake after sports games" and that was unlike me because I always used to want the cake. I told my mum not to worry one bit and that I just haven't been fancying cake and would just prefer cookies. Do you remember when the sports teacher and dinner lady sat me down because you told me I just needed salad no cooked food and they told me I was getting slimmer and they were starting to worry. Oh anorexia, I remember how much you praised me for the noticeable weight loss, I miss those days.

Anorexia, do you remember when you made me hide laxatives in my welly boot when I was 12? I was going camping on a school trip and you told me it would be better if I took these with me. Anorexia, why did you allow a 12 year old to take laxatives, thats not very supportive. But you helped me lose weight so I am grateful for that. Thank you for helping me sneak out of food situations on the trip I was really stressing about it, but you taught me your tips and tricks that I saw on those websites. We will do this together anorexia, I guess?

Anorexia, I am quite angry at you, you are still my best friend though so I'm not really angry. You made me faint at a sports tour abroad during the final of my netball tournament, I love netball with all my heart and now people are worried about me playing netball. What are you doing? Lets just go back to before, lets just celebrate our small achievements and not push my body to extremes ok. Im on meal support now on this trip now I have to eat.

Oh thank you anorexia, you taught me how to be perfectionistic and now I have got into loads of different schools and even the top school in the country. I love you anorexia, thank you for pushing me till 2am revising. I know I am only 13 but you helped me so much in my life and I'm so grateful.

Anorexia, I feel faint and Im struggling to stand, please lay of me for a while, I'm 14 now and I can see I'm not healthy. Im starting to attend therapy now. I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder, they do not know its you yet though anorexia. I know you say I should close up and not tell anyone about you, but I'm started to get scared anorexia.

I had 14 seizures anorexia, why are you rewarding me for being so physically weak anorexia, I'm only 15 and people say they are scared for my life anorexia. I do not know what to do. I might just tell them about you, but I'm scared for what you will do.

Anorexia, I have been told if I do not start eating I will be going to hospital. I know your telling me that I will never actually go to hospital but the doctors sound serious. I've refused weigh in's like you said and all blood tests. But what if they do send me to hospital.

Anorexia, we had to call 999 last night because of heart attack symptoms. Ive only just turned 16. I do not know if your my best friend anymore I just want to be rid of you. Please stop making me ill, I know your not an illness, just stop causing me fainting and the risk of heart attacks please.

Anorexia, your my best friend and you made me get sectioned under section 2 of the mental health act for nutritional treatment from anorexia. I cannot go home. Its almost christmas time. Anorexia I hate you. Stop it. Your my enemy. Anorexia I now see your an illness. I was almost tube fed today. Stop this. You are horrible to me.

I have spent 4 months in an inpatient unit in Maidenhead trying to recover from you anorexia. I am a healthy weight. You are screaming at me anorexia. However I know your wrong. Your evil and I do not want to hear your voice again.

Anorexia, you have almost left me now. You are still around some days but others I am more confident in myself. Ive even eaten pizza anorexia. Did you hear that. I've eaten pizza. Im fed up with you anorexia. You've made me have a high chance of losing my fertility and made me have over 30 seizures and fainted over 90 times in my life. Anorexia. I want to recover. Goodbye

What it is like suffering from anorexia and bulimia nervosa

Sat, 09 Apr 2016 10:03:00 +0000

My brain is sick, its poorly, its hurting and its weeping. My brain makes my body stop and unable to pick up a fork, my body will tremble when it hears the words “sandwich, spaghetti, pizza or burger.” My brain is being bullied. But I cant tell a teacher that so and so is bullying me in the playground, as it is not a person who controls me and sends me the hate messages. Its a disease. “your too big, your not going to succeed, lose the weight.” My brain is sick, my brain sends out messages for me to run 15 kilometres, then swim for hours then cycle 10 miles, all these activities my brain tells me to do consecutively. My brain is sick. It tells me that if I was thinner, I would be prettier, happier, popular, successful. My brain is sick. It makes me not trust people, it makes me not hug people incase they can feel the fat around my stomach that I am so insecure about. It makes me paralysed when I see there is one extra Rice Krispie on my plate. My sickness has two sides. My brain tells me to eat cake, ice cream, pizza, bread, spaghetti, custard creams all in one sitting. My brain tells me it’s ok to eat. Its more then ok to eat, food is fantastic, its my frenzy, my drug. My brain turns me into a polar bear attacking its prey, or a lion hunting it’s kill, however for me the prey is the chocolates on the top shelf of the cupboard and the predator is me. But then I freeze, the only thing that I can hear is the ticking of the clock, no voices, complete silence. The silence lasts about 15 secs until the tsunami of voices begin. “What did you just do, you’ve made a big mistake, your thighs are growing right now, stop them, stop them, look how big your stomach is getting.” My hands begin to shake, my stomach bloats, the feeling of fullness gets larger and larger. Until I end up stopping and staring at the water at the bottom of the toilet bowl with my fingers down my throat. The water is no longer clear, its filled with blood which drips from my throat and vomit that is dripping down fingers. My brain is sick. My brain tells my feet to step on the scale and the bullies start sending me hate messages again. The cycle repeats. My brain is sick. My organs are sick. My bones are told they are at high risk of osteoporosis. My doctors say its time to start fighting for your life and hand me an orange. I have not eaten or drank water in 5 days. I am informed my chances are slim and that this illness could kill me. My body sits in a wheelchair whilst people tell me “mental illness’s are for attention.” I get taken in ambulances almost fortnightly now, but its ok because my illness tells me “I deserve it”“I am the best eating disorder patient because I am the sickest.” My brain is sick. It makes me get my rights taken away from me and moves me to a hospital 2 and a half hours from everyone I know.

I gain 10 kilos. My body is healed. My brain is sick. It tells me I have an obesity problem, it tells me I will suffer from diabetes, high cholesterol. It tells me I am weak I am sick, I will be healthy if I lose 20 kilos, because then I won’t have the obesity problem anymore and I won’t be in a 1:3 range of the obesity epidemic England has. My doctors tell me I’ve worked so hard and I am finally at a healthy weight, they congratulate me. I don’t understand. My weight has gone up I am not healthy anymore. Tears drip down my face. I am sick. The voices are louder. “YOU ARE NOT GAINING ANYMORE, LOSE NOW YOU FAT COW, STOP GAINING. YOUR DISGUSTING, NOBODY LIKES YOU.” My nurses tell me, “its ok to cry.” that it is ok to relapse however it is never ok to give up, that the fact I’ve hit a healthy weight “is an achievement.” However my head tells me the extreme opposite. My brain is sick. I do not know what is rational. I am strapped in and on a roller-coaster that has the record number of loop de loops. My eating disorder is not a physical illness its a mental illness. My brain is sick. I’m on home leave and I see my family and friends. They see I’ve gained weight and they ask when will I be out of hospital and that I have done so well now that I have recovered from anorexia and bulimia. Why is it assumed that because my body has recovered my brain has? My brain is sicker then ever. I have not managed solid food in 2 weeks, relying on liquid calories because my brain will not send communication signals for my hands to pick up a fork, however I am a healthy weight so I am recovered right? This is not the case. MY BRAIN IS SICK. I do like food, I love pizza, french fries, burgers. I don’t eat lettuce leaves at every meal. I may have anorexia and bulimia but I do like food, in fact I love food. I wish I could eat food. My brain is sick.

Around once a month, I wake up. I see the real girl who stares back at me in the mirror. I do not see the fatness i’ve seen the previous night. I see the girl who loves sport, who’s passionate about her education, who is intelligent and cares about others. I see the girl who is fighting against anorexia and bulimia. I see the girl who’s trying so hard to overcome the disease. My brain is sick, however I am not giving up the fight for health and happiness.

Recovery is a choice you have to keep making

Sat, 09 Apr 2016 10:03:00 +0000

I like to compare an Eating Disorder to a drug, addictive in a way. You become obsessed and feel like you can’t focus without the thoughts of food racing around your mind. I remember the first time I said the words “I do not want an Eating Disorder, I do not know what to do” I feel like when I first said those words it was my first footstep into the journey of recovery. Recovery is a journey of “one step forward, 3 steps back” there will always be bad days in recovery, it is inevitable, however on the other hand good days are inevitable too.

I am a firm believer that recovery is a choice, developing an Eating Disorder is not a choice however recovery is. However, the choice to recover only lasts temporarily and you have to keep choosing recovery over and over again. I have worked out that on average I have the option to choose recovery 18 times a day if not more, thats 6 times for every meal, 6 times for choosing not to binge and 6 times not to purge up my food. However other times I would have to choose recovery is when I choose to get to bed at a reasonable hour, I choose to stand strong and fight the urges to not over exercise and more to get out of bed every morning. However there are many other times recovery needs to be chosen which you may even be oblivious too. Choosing recovery is sometimes an active choice which you have to keep thinking about every time, however overtimes these choices become subconscious and you recover “naturally” without thinking that you have to make the choice to practice self care by bathing or brushing your teeth.

Recovery is not an easy decision, it can bring waves of emotion. It can bring on bad emotions or bad situations such as panic attacks but it can also bring amazing emotions such as being discharged from inpatient services and getting periods back. There are many reasons on both sides whether or not to choose recovery, a few weeks ago I had to construct a list of pros and cons to recovering. I started to write the pros and I could not think of any other reasons why recovery would not be worth it. I have already done so many more things in recovery then I would in relapse such as eating birthday cake on my friends birthday cake and making my body stable enough to go on holiday.

For me, recovery is the best decision I have ever made. Yes, I do argue sometimes with the concept of recovery but I know that that is my Eating Disorder voicing that opinion and not my real voice. My real voice wants to shout back and recover. So lets go.