Week 5 - Dear Rosie

This week has been incredibly hard again and bulimia and exercise have been at the front of your mind. Tonight (Last week) you gave over exercise a bit of a heads up but then after you realised you've done this and ate more to make it up. School is stressful but you are getting there and that is all that matters. You went to see Cardiff university and it really inspired you to keep going however you are struggling academically so you do not know if that university is an option however you are highly intelligent and go to the top grammar school in the UK so even if your struggling your actually doing very well. You have a job interview which is for a company against your morals however you really need money for future plans. Exam season is approaching soon and you can feel your anxiety slowly escalating but you will be ok I promise. Weight gain is just a better relationship with gravity girl everything is ok

Dear Rosie - Week 4. School starts again

Its been a month since you started writing these and I can see how much they are helping you. They are helping you in a therapeutic way on a way to reflect and set goals for next week. You started fully changing and updating your blog this week and your really excited about it eek. You've done tremendous things in this past week. You've been to the vamps concert and had PIZZA omg thats so amazing rosie, it was one of the best concerts of your life you even saw 3 other bands perform there! You decided you cannot recover lightly and had a pizza wrap for feared friday and it was one of the best things you've ever tasted (even if you burnt it). You have also had 2 vegan sausage sandwiches which is amazing. Anorexia is frowning upon you majorly but your learning that sometimes you do not have to listen to her. You haven't been to the gym in several days which just shows how you can exercise healthy now and thats amazing its so weird how times have changed. You've been poorly all this week and its been horrible so there have been a lot of times you've been in bed.

School starts again tomorrow and your really nervous about it but you can beat that anxiety I promise you, don't over work yourself please. You are going to make sure you do not work after 9 any day and do not let your perfectionism over rule that you will be ok. I promise. Keep fighting rosie you can do it. 

Dear Rosie: Week 3 - I am so proud of you

All of these are massive achievements for you and they all mean so much to you. Especially the fact that you haven't purged in 2 weeks! And that you haven't self harmed in a month! I never thought I would ever be able to stop purging. Coming from the lows of purging over 12 times a day to being free from it for 2 weeks is huge. My therapist told me I would never stop and that I would be on waiting lists for inpatient almost straight away. But no look at me! I have no care team behind me, and I've been 2 weeks free from purging. Then with the self harm I've been free for a month and that makes me smile so much!! There is no point self destructing your body to inflict punishment on yourself. I have taken small steps to love myself and that comes with not self harming. I've been free from binging for 11 days now and that is a massive achievement dn its really amazing how far I've come with bingeing words cannot describe it. SO many people have had no faith in me, people told me "I wasn't rosie anymore I was purely an eating disorder" or "there is nothing more we can do" well look at me now. I know to some my achievements might be nothing but these are huge for me and I feel stronger than ever and I will win this fight against my eating disorder I will will win. 

Dear Rosie, Week 2 - things have been difficult but you powered through

This week is your third week out of inpatient and things have been difficult but you've powered through. Its been over a week since you've binged/purged and you've been fighting so hard against bulimia. You've let anorexia slip in control a bit more and it makes you feel heart broken but you had a wake up call when you fainted today and you realised that you need to power through and be stronger than anorexia. You will fight. You've been finding it harder with CAMHS however you are strolling through life without the treatment. You anxiety is increasing rapidly but you are going to beat these things and you are even challenging it with a meal out tomorrow because take that anorexia.  You've had the most wonderful time meeting up with people from instagram yesterday and speaking to friends who you adore so much which has really brightened your spirits. Rosie recovery is two steps forward one step back and rosie even if you lose some battles you can still win the war. 

Dear Rosie - Week 1, 2 weeks out of inpatient

(catching of of previous posts)

Today is 2 weeks out of inpatient (21st March 2016) and boi is it hard. I'm maintaining weight/gaining it but mentally I'm exhausted. It was my first full week at school and yes I loved it but it was really hard and overwhelming. I went to the gym several times and struggles with overexercise at times but I learnt to control it at the end of the week. My anxiety has been rising but I'm getting there and everyday I fight is a day closer to beating these illnesses.