I like to compare an Eating Disorder to a drug, addictive in a way. You become obsessed and feel like you can’t focus without the thoughts of food racing around your mind. I remember the first time I said the words “I do not want an Eating Disorder, I do not know what to do” I feel like when I first said those words it was my first footstep into the journey of recovery. Recovery is a journey of “one step forward, 3 steps back” there will always be bad days in recovery, it is inevitable, however on the other hand good days are inevitable too.

I am a firm believer that recovery is a choice, developing an Eating Disorder is not a choice however recovery is. However, the choice to recover only lasts temporarily and you have to keep choosing recovery over and over again. I have worked out that on average I have the option to choose recovery 18 times a day if not more, thats 6 times for every meal, 6 times for choosing not to binge and 6 times not to purge up my food. However other times I would have to choose recovery is when I choose to get to bed at a reasonable hour, I choose to stand strong and fight the urges to not over exercise and more to get out of bed every morning. However there are many other times recovery needs to be chosen which you may even be oblivious too. Choosing recovery is sometimes an active choice which you have to keep thinking about every time, however overtimes these choices become subconscious and you recover “naturally” without thinking that you have to make the choice to practice self care by bathing or brushing your teeth.

Recovery is not an easy decision, it can bring waves of emotion. It can bring on bad emotions or bad situations such as panic attacks but it can also bring amazing emotions such as being discharged from inpatient services and getting periods back. There are many reasons on both sides whether or not to choose recovery, a few weeks ago I had to construct a list of pros and cons to recovering. I started to write the pros and I could not think of any other reasons why recovery would not be worth it. I have already done so many more things in recovery then I would in relapse such as eating birthday cake on my friends birthday cake and making my body stable enough to go on holiday.

For me, recovery is the best decision I have ever made. Yes, I do argue sometimes with the concept of recovery but I know that that is my Eating Disorder voicing that opinion and not my real voice. My real voice wants to shout back and recover. So lets go.