What it is like to suffer from both anorexia and bulimia
My brain is sick, its poorly, its hurting and its weeping. My brain makes my body stop and unable to pick up a fork, my body will tremble when it hears the words “sandwich, spaghetti, pizza or burger.” My brain is being bullied. But I cant tell a teacher that so and so is bullying me in the playground, as it is not a person who controls me and sends me the hate messages. Its a disease. “your too big, your not going to succeed, lose the weight.” My brain is sick, my brain sends out messages for me to run 15 kilometres, then swim for hours then cycle 10 miles, all these activities my brain tells me to do consecutively. My brain is sick. It tells me that if I was thinner, I would be prettier, happier, popular, successful. My brain is sick. It makes me not trust people, it makes me not hug people incase they can feel the fat around my stomach that I am so insecure about. It makes me paralysed when I see there is one extra Rice Krispie on my plate. My sickness has two sides. My brain tells me to eat cake, ice cream, pizza, bread, spaghetti, custard creams all in one sitting. My brain tells me it’s ok to eat. Its more then ok to eat, food is fantastic, its my frenzy, my drug. My brain turns me into a polar bear attacking its prey, or a lion hunting it’s kill, however for me the prey is the chocolates on the top shelf of the cupboard and the predator is me. But then I freeze, the only thing that I can hear is the ticking of the clock, no voices, complete silence. The silence lasts about 15 secs until the tsunami of voices begin. “What did you just do, you’ve made a big mistake, your thighs are growing right now, stop them, stop them, look how big your stomach is getting.” My hands begin to shake, my stomach bloats, the feeling of fullness gets larger and larger. Until I end up stopping and staring at the water at the bottom of the toilet bowl with my fingers down my throat. The water is no longer clear, its filled with blood which drips from my throat and vomit that is dripping down fingers. My brain is sick. My brain tells my feet to step on the scale and the bullies start sending me hate messages again. The cycle repeats. My brain is sick. My organs are sick. My bones are told they are at high risk of osteoporosis. My doctors say its time to start fighting for your life and hand me an orange. I have not eaten or drank water in 5 days. I am informed my chances are slim and that this illness could kill me. My body sits in a wheelchair whilst people tell me “mental illness’s are for attention.” I get taken in ambulances almost fortnightly now, but its ok because my illness tells me “I deserve it”“I am the best eating disorder patient because I am the sickest.” My brain is sick. It makes me get my rights taken away from me and moves me to a hospital 2 and a half hours from everyone I know.
I gain 10 kilos. My body is healed. My brain is sick. It tells me I have an obesity problem, it tells me I will suffer from diabetes, high cholesterol. It tells me I am weak I am sick, I will be healthy if I lose 20 kilos, because then I won’t have the obesity problem anymore and I won’t be in a 1:3 range of the obesity epidemic England has. My doctors tell me I’ve worked so hard and I am finally at a healthy weight, they congratulate me. I don’t understand. My weight has gone up I am not healthy anymore. Tears drip down my face. I am sick. The voices are louder. “YOU ARE NOT GAINING ANYMORE, LOSE NOW YOU FAT COW, STOP GAINING. YOUR DISGUSTING, NOBODY LIKES YOU.” My nurses tell me, “its ok to cry.” that it is ok to relapse however it is never ok to give up, that the fact I’ve hit a healthy weight “is an achievement.” However my head tells me the extreme opposite. My brain is sick. I do not know what is rational. I am strapped in and on a roller-coaster that has the record number of loop de loops. My eating disorder is not a physical illness its a mental illness. My brain is sick. I’m on home leave and I see my family and friends. They see I’ve gained weight and they ask when will I be out of hospital and that I have done so well now that I have recovered from anorexia and bulimia. Why is it assumed that because my body has recovered my brain has? My brain is sicker then ever. I have not managed solid food in 2 weeks, relying on liquid calories because my brain will not send communication signals for my hands to pick up a fork, however I am a healthy weight so I am recovered right? This is not the case. MY BRAIN IS SICK. I do like food, I love pizza, french fries, burgers. I don’t eat lettuce leaves at every meal. I may have anorexia and bulimia but I do like food, in fact I love food. I wish I could eat food. My brain is sick.
Around once a month, I wake up. I see the real girl who stares back at me in the mirror. I do not see the fatness i’ve seen the previous night. I see the girl who loves sport, who’s passionate about her education, who is intelligent and cares about others. I see the girl who is fighting against anorexia and bulimia. I see the girl who’s trying so hard to overcome the disease. My brain is sick, however I am not giving up the fight for health and happiness.