For anyone questioning recovery
I was told that "recovery is a choice you have to make everyday" by one of my closest friends and that has been something I have kept with me throughout my whole journey. Everyday I wake up and its a clean slate, its not about what happened yesterday or tomorrow its about focusing on the present and its never too late to start again. I remember saying the words "I can never get better, I will never get better, better isn't possible." repeatedly to one of the nurses at my inpatient where I was sectioned. I remember shouting down the a&e corridors saying "I will never eat again, I want to die from this, I don't deserve food." Yet a few months later I am sitting here with my predicted grades being sent of a uni which will allow me to be accepted by all 5 of my university choices glowing with happiness and excitement.
I am so far from the word "recovered", if the road to recovery was in steps I would have to probably walk the circumference of the earth 100 times to get anywhere close to the word "recovered." However, I am in recovery and have been on the up and down rollercoaster for about 4 months now, give or take a few days. My "journey" has consisted being discharged from both inpatient and outpatient services, returning to outpatient services, going on holidays, eating pizza at restaurants, laughing with red wine in my hand, hugging family members, shedding some tears and some serious determination. There are some days where I feel I haven't come anywhere from the girl who was told she might die from her eating disorder and that was why she needed to be sectioned, however there are also days where I feel free and the closest thing to being recovered. Im not going to say recovery is easy however I am going to explain why it is worth it.
Recovery brings happy holidays where you can go to other countries, eat pizza and pasta in Italy, eat noodles and spring rolls in china, eat fish and chips in england and eat burgers in america. Holidays brings excitement, it brings true happiness, relaxation as a girl from my inpatient said "new country new life" and no eating disorder is invited. Holidays are about celebrating, being around people you love and having a fabulous time. So why spoil it by not sustaining yourself and not eating the local food the country has to offer. I know I am quite lucky with all the amazing holidays I go to and those are opportunities I am incredibly thankful however I know that if I am healthy more and more of these opportunities will come as my family will not be worrying about their daughter being too sick the only thing they will be doing is relaxing on a lovely holiday.
Recovery brings people together. An eating disorder does not just affect the suffer it affects all the people around them including family and friends even acquaintances. The sufferer from eating disorders often push people away, try hide and run from people and there are never any quality times spent together. However, I have found in my personal situation that recovery brings people much closer together, it allows the ability to have openness and honesty which I think is something completely unique to the subject of recovery. Recovery allows the most happy moments such as eating pizza for the first time in ages with your best friend (pictured above) to having deep conversations when you need support people are there for you and all they want is to help you. Through recovery so many of my friendships have got stronger and I have done so many things with my friends for example: plan inter-railing (may 2017 come at me), go on adventures to london, have picnics in the park, drink alcohol at 2 in the morning, bake cakes and so much more which i could not thank anything but the process of recovery.
Recovery has brought me so many opportunities! From going out to restaurants, to attending school full time again to long walks in the park. The things I have done that I could not have done without recovery are limitless and so many people say "recovery changes your life" and honestly it has changed my life so incredibly much. I am not the girl I was before but I am the new Rosie, i will never be the old Rosie again and that is ok because I am flourishing into the new Rosie everyday
So to those who are questioning recovery
Start recovery, right this second go out and live your life. There will be moments (many moments) where you'll debate whether it is worth it. But there will also be moments where the happiness it has brought to you shines through your face and you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. My advice is create a bucket list, cross off all the things you want to do and you'll get there. Recovery has changed my life for the better, its allowed me to get enough grades to set into all 5 of my university choices, its given me opportunities to go abroad, its given me health and happiness and so much more.
There is one thing I regret about recovery and that is not accepting recovery sooner
Rosie
xxx